Tuesday, May 29, 2012

When Least Expected

This is quite personal, but I have found that writing about this stuff really helps, so I guess I'll share.
It's amazing how a seemingly normal situation can trigger something.
On Sunday, we sat down to enjoy a lovely game of Ticket to Ride at the cabin, and my nieces were turning on a movie.
They had chosen to watch "7 Pounds" - you know, the one with Will Smith.
I mentioned that it was a sad movie, and then my brain started going nuts thinking about the plot of the movie and that led to an absolute panic attack.
I have never experienced anything like it.
My body was shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I was reliving sitting in my parents' living room late into the night on November 8, listening to my father talk to someone at the hospital, answering endless questions about my brother and agreeing to donate his organs/tissues/bones.
I could see the look on my Dad's face all over again - absolute heartbreak and despair.
I was completely overwhelmed.
I put my face in my hands and tried to compose myself, but couldn't.
I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, and I just wanted that stupid movie to be OFF.
I stood up and I think blurted out "I need you to turn this off" or something like that and ran to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my family might think I'm a bit crazy.
It took me a couple of minutes to compose myself before I was able to go back and join the family.
But it got me thinking about the recipients - the lives that have been saved and changed because of Trevor's death.
I talked to my dad yesterday, and we discussed writing letters and attempting to contact the recipients and hear their stories.
I think it could be a very healing experience to learn about them.
To put faces and names to these unknown people out there, walking around with these physical pieces of my little brother - their lives forever changed.
I sent an email this morning to the Texas Organ Sharing Alliance and asked some questions about how to get started in the process.
I'm not sure what will happen by going down this road, but I can't imagine it won't be a positive step in the healing process.
We shall see, we shall see.
I have always been very vocal to my family and husband that I want to be a donor, I have always felt very strongly about it.
I will forever be so proud of my parents for making that decision under such horrible circumstances.
Knowing that some really good, positive things could come from such a tragedy is comforting, and I really want to know more about it.


Jennie-O said...

I agree. Tyler and I were just talking about this last night. We are donors, and feel that it's an honor to donate to save the lives of others. And kiersti, you are awesome, what a great thing it would be to contact those people who your brother saved.

The Byers Family said...

Let's be honest, we do think you're crazy but it's for totally different reasons ;)
You actually were quite composed through the ordeal (or seemed like it anyway - just a couple tears and honestly, that's not unusual in this family!) and none of us thought it was odd or crazy weird, we just realized that it struck a chord and you needed that movie off - no biggie and they enjoyed watching princess bride instead ;)
I think it's a great idea to contact those Trevor saved and hear their stories plus it might be healing for them too afterall I'm sure it would be hard knowing someone had to pass in order to save their life, they might want to hear his story too.

BreeAnn said...

I agree with you on the donor transplant, I am a donor, and I think it is an amazing thing to do. I think that would be awesome for you to reach out to the families that your brother helped, and I think it would be a great healing tool as well. The other night I was watching Grey's Anatomy and they were trying to help this preemie baby live, but they finally had to take him off oxygen, I couldn't even look at the TV and was bawling, because it was showing this little baby making choking sounds and breathing. And it takes me right back 5 years ago to Easton's birth where I watched his little chest rise and fall....those moments are heart breaking, and I think there will always be those moments, and it's ok. Keep us posted on the families you find, that is awesome! I am sure they would love to know about you guys as well.

j. said...

I loved this post. I hope you are able to find what you are looking for. It would be nice to hear the stories of those who have been touched by Trevor's life and your families selflessness. Love you.

Lindsay said...

Wow. I can't imagine this really & won't pretend to. I think you're right though. I think that will help out knowing. Oh-Kiersti, I never want to go through that kind of situation. I know you have a close family & so do I. I just don't think I could bear it. I'm so sorry again.

Heidi said...

This post was very touching.. Thanks for sharing...

Mary Lou said...

Your brother doesn't just live in the people who his organs he donated to. He lives in all the people he spread the word of God to. I've followed your blog since after he passed because it's nice to hear about the person us investigators never knew. He and Guillen and Martinez helped me out a lot and I think of your brother often especially when I'm in despair. I'm a police officer and I often see the worst in people. In your brother I saw the best. He is alive in everyone he met.