Monday, January 2, 2012

Jealousy

Pardon me for being a little Debbie Downer here for a moment.
So.....everyone's "year in review" blog posts are starting to pop up, and I can't help but have a little bit of jealousy.
But 2011 was great until November, and now it's like time has stopped.
And the rest of the world has just moved on.
I started a blog that only I can see where I jot down most of my thoughts and feelings about my brother and things that have happened since he passed.
But I still feel it appropriate to share things on here from time to time.
So if this annoys you or makes you sad, please stop reading right now.
I can't help but look back at the pictures of my year in review and wish for the days before Trevor died.
I'm different now.  My family is different now.
I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 55 days.
I go through pictures from before his mission and I cry.
I reminisce with my siblings and I laugh.
My love for my family has grown and deepened more than I ever thought possible.
My love for the Gospel, my faith, and my testimony have also grown.

 I snagged the memory card from Trevor's camera, and I study his face in every picture, bawl through every video.
The sound of his voice is so painful and so wonderful at the same time.
It brings me comfort to see pictures like this where he changed peoples' lives and helped them find happiness.

The is the last picture on his camera that he took with himself in it.
The missionary next to him on his left is the other one who died in the accident.
This was on Halloween.
*PS - I'm pretty sure he's wearing a different tie in every single picture I've seen of him on his mission.  We have at least 2 FULL boxes of them that were sent back.  I guess there was a place down there where you could buy them by the pound.  Ties by the pound - who knew??

We went to dinner with some friends a while ago, and I was saddened when one friend told me I was noticeably different.
Sometimes I think people are looking for it - watching to see my reaction to things and trying to find ways that I've changed.
Bryan says I'm actually the most like myself in social settings because there's so much distraction.
It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I've changed, but I know I have.
So please, friends, bear with me.
There will be no "year in review" from the Kinyon family for 2011.
Hopefully 2012 will bring a better year with more reasons to laugh than to cry.
And, sorry if this was so wah wahhhhhh, but you were warned!!

9 comments:

j. said...

Oh, kierst, I love you and I really loved this post. You are being honest and real and that's admirable. I cannot pretend to understand your pain, but I do know that we all have days/weeks/years where we look back and just have to admit that it was all really hard and we are glad it's over. That was me last new years eve and even the year before that, too. If you read those "year in review" posts it's a whole lot of "this year was hard and I am glad it's over". The good news is the bad times seem to make the good times better, when they come. Its such a relief to get through a hard time, or a hard year, and realize you finally feel good again. I hope this made sense and I hope you know that I love your guts.

Heidi said...

This post is better than any year-end announcement. Honest and genuine.. You can't get any better than that!

Mike and Mindy Williams said...

Well good on you! Who says you can't be different, can't be sad, can't be changed? For heavens sake, everything is different and changed! Not waa-waaa at all...life! I can't imagine, but I say, good on you!

Lindsay said...

I'm missing the part where you're a downer....when I come to your blog, I come to read about Kiersti and what she thinks and how she feels and her little family that she loves.

Finding what you've found in yourself & in your family is positive. I love you Kiersti.

p.s. I love the "ties by the pound." What on earth? And I'm curious if they baptized the clone trooper?

Jennie-O said...

Kiersti, you're not a downer, you're real & that's what I love about you!! P.s. you're the best!

Jennie said...

Oh, crap. I'm supposed to do a year in review blog?

Ashley Bennion said...

I love your blog and how real you are - You are in my thoughts and prayers - Love ya Kierst!!!

Holly Strong said...

I loved this post. I keep putting off a year in review or any posts for that matter. This was a HARD year and going into next year will get easier but it's still going to be hard. I love reading your blog it helps me feel like I can connect with you and let's me know that I'm not alone sometimes. You are awesome!!!!

carolee said...

You know Kiersti, one of the things I love about you is that you are always real. I love that you write about exactly how you feel and how it's helped you grow and learn. I'd much rather read about you feeling how you feel, than pretending to feel something else. Hugs to you!!