Thursday, December 1, 2011

Ripping the Bandaid

I've had a bunch of things to post, but I'm having a really hard time doing it.  It's amazing how moving on with life after a tragedy like this makes you feel guilty.
I feel like I'm betraying the memory of my brother by thinking about other things, by not crying every day, by getting on with the day to day.
In the days after the accident, I couldn't fathom doing the day to day.  Make my kids lunch?  What?  Do laundry?  How?
But I know that moving on and living life is the only way to truly heal.
Every time I have to integrate myself back into a normal life situation {going into the office for a meeting for the first time, first day back at church}, Bryan and I look at eachother and say "rip the bandaid".  Because it's hard.  You know people are going to talk to you, to ask how you're doing, and it brings all of those feelings and memories of the last few weeks back up to the surface.  Ward members aren't going to still be giving me tearful hugs every single week for the rest of my life - most likely just the first time they see me.  So if we just get it over with, rip the bandaid, the next time I see them things can be somewhat normal.
And I know that people care about us and love us and just want us to know that they are thinking of us and are here for support.
So I'm ripping off the blog bandaid now.  I won't see Trevor's picture at the top when I open this anymore, and that's OK.  It doesn't mean I don't love him and miss him.
Grief does weird things to a person.
So here we go - here's to healing!

How about these 2, huh?  Decorating their Christmas tree was so much fun this year!  We turned up Christmas music way too loud and danced around.  Giving the girls their own tree was the best - they don't have any glass ornaments, so it's totally fine that they move them around at least 3 times a day.  And it keeps them away from my tree in the living room :)

They are both so excited for Christmas, and it's so much fun!  Everyone should have a 5 year old at Christmas time.  Lauren is a riot and every day she talks about Santa and what she wants.  Yesterday we went to Aunt Shara's to drop something off, and she showed Lo her present under the tree.  Lo took it shook it and didn't really say anything.  But in the car after we left, she told me she thinks it's a doll and a puzzle {she's totally right}.  She really hopes it's a Monster High doll, and if she gets one from Santa and from Shara, then she can give one to Mya.  This kid has such a big heart!

Miss Jane is now 6 months.  What???  Yep, that's right.
She is almost crawling, and can already get where she wants to go by doing "the worm".  She gets up on her hands and knees {or feet - see this beautiful downward dog?} and then flops down on her tummy while pitching forward.  Then kind of pulls herself forward again while on her tummy, then back up to do it over and over again.  Sometimes she face plants pretty hard, but it doesn't bother her.
For a long time, she would only push herself backwards, and then get super angry because she was moving away from whatever she was playing with.

So now we know 2 yoga positions - let's not forget her perfect plank position from a couple months ago :)

I can't believe how fast 6 months have gone by with my little Ginger Baby.
She is such a big girl - doing everything so much quicker than my other 2.  She just wants to be able to keep up with her sisters.
At her 6 month appointment, she was not quite 15 lbs - still 25% for weight and 95% for height.
The doc says her metabolism must be pretty insane, because she eats A TON!  At night before bed, she will eat 2 big containers of baby food {with rice cereal in them}, and then drink a 4 oz bottle {more cereal in it}.  She wakes up around 2:00 and downs a 6 oz bottle, then back to bed until about 8:00.
I asked her doc about cutting out this middle of the night feeding, and he said she obviously needs it, given her stats.  I'm just used to my babies sleeping all through the night.  But neither of my other babies were this skinny or tall, so if the kid is hungry, I will gladly feed her.  She needs the food!
She LOVES her sisters!  She is so used to one of them being in her face and thinks they are the greatest things in the world.  If she's fussy and I'm trying to get stuff done, one of the girls {or both} will just go talk and play with her and Jane just eats it up.
She has just about the biggest smile ever, and the happier she is, the bigger it gets.  A smile is just opening her mouth as big and wide as it can get - it melts my heart!
She is starting to babble, and there's a constant stream of "babababa, dadadada" coming out of her cute little mouth.
She loves eating EVERYTHING!  Everything, except peaches and apricots {what the.....she doesn't know what she's missing}.  She would choose veggies over fruit any day, and is the only child of mine to like peas and green beans.
She will still occasionally snuggle.  I might have to work really hard for it, but about twice a week we make it work, and it makes me so happy.

Jane is an absolute joy to have in our family, and I just want to eat her up.  Sometimes I sit and think "do I seriously have 3 kids?"  When did I grow up enough to have 3 KIDS???
Sometimes I cry when I look at her, because she will never meet her Uncle Trevor in this life, and he sure would've loved her.
The last conversation I had with him on the phone on Mother's Day was about how he & Scott needed to say a Missionary Prayer to get this baby out.  Because of course missionary's prayers count more than mine :)
I am so blessed.
And my kids are so blessed to have such a wonderful angel watching over them.


Kristy said...

I love your post! Lots of band aids to rip off huh! Your girls are so freakin' cute!

The Byers Family said...

I'm sure you know the only way to really make Trevor proud is to move on and live life to it's fullest. You also know that he's watching over you and someday you'll be together again, so I'm not going to say any of that ;)

I am so excited for Christmas! I can't wait for Lo to see that she's right, a Lala Loopsy puzzle AND a Monster High Doll for her and 1 for Mya too! They're all getting so big and I love watching them grow up and reading your posts about home life! You're a good momma!

Jennie said...

My uncle died either before I was born or shortly thereafter. I always knew his name and knew that he was a HUGE tease to my mom and her sisters (He was an older brother). But it wasn't until just recently that it dawned on me that he was actually my mother's brother and that he was a real person to her. Strange, isn't it? I woke up one day and thought, "Wow! My mom's brother died! That must have been really awful for her!" I tried talking with her about it, but there were no raw emotions. It happened 30 years ago. What you wrote will mean so much to your sweet little girls when they are older. Don't worry about the guilt. When someone close to you passes, you feel like you just want the whole world to stop with you, but everyone walks around like there's nothing wrong. When you do start feeling guilty, just write. We'll all be here in this little virtual world to "listen." And in the meantime, we love hearing about your beautiful little girls!

carolee said...

Ummm, Miss Jane's got some seriously amazing ab muscles. Her plank photo is so awesome!