Further Explanation

You know when you blog about something, you "publish post" and then you go back and read it the next day and realize you kind of sound like a jerk?
Let me just say that I am, I'm positive, very guilty of saying the wrong thing to someone who has lost somebody. 
I still find the whole subject of death very awkward, because it is SO personal.  Just because I feel a certain way about losing Trevor, doesn't mean somebody else in the same situation feels the exact same way.
And I don't expect everyone {or anyone} to say the right thing.....because is there really a "right" thing to say?
Every person that left me a FB message, came to see me, texted me, called me, sent me a card - all said wonderful, heartfelt words of love and concern that I appreciate and hold dear.
I just think that sometimes people think they can make you feel better or ease your pain - it's human nature, we want to fix the problem, bandaid the wound.  Well, that just won't happen.
And it's better to say something stupid than say nothing at all.  Seriously, that might sound odd, but it's true.
And the best thing, for me, is for my friends and loved ones to treat me how they would before it happened.  I'm tough.  Like, really tough :)
And if you have questions or want to talk to me about anything - please, just ask.  If I don't feel like talking about it, I will definitely let you know!
And if I want to talk about it, I hope the unlucky "you" out there will be willing to listen to me.
It's very weird to not be talking about him all the time, because he is still on my mind constantly.
I hope I didn't sound like a jerk in my previous post!
Love you all!

Having a "Trevor" Day

I'm having a Trevor day.  These are the days when I can't stop thinking about him.

I hear a new song and wonder if he would've liked it.

I see the picture of my family that has been on my desk for 3 months now and stop to take an extra long look.

I see a TV show and laugh because I know he would have, too.

I see something about Twilight on Pinterest and smile because I know how much fun he would've made of me for liking it.

I saw 2 missionaries at the girls' preschool yesterday, talking to the owner of the school who lives upstairs, their bikes locked to a tree out on the drive strip.

I pulled forward so that the girls could see them out their window, and asked them if they knew who those 2 men were.

Lauren replied that they were missionaries.

I then asked if they remembered who in our family were missionaries.

They both said Uncle Trevor and Uncle Scott.

And then we talked for a minute about how we love missionaries because they help people to learn about Jesus and how to be happy.

A few weeks ago, Lauren grabbed my phone to play a game {a very frequent thing} and stopped and said "awwww" with a frown on her face.

I asked what was wrong.

My screen saver is a picture of Trevor, and she said that I shouldn't have that picture because it will make me sad.

I explained that I like to see lots and lots of pictures of Trevor so that I can remember him and how much I love him.

I'm so unbelievably proud of my brother and the example he is to my kids.

I'm constantly amazed at the strength of my family.  I have always admired my dad, but I have come to look up to him so much more since this happened.  I have spent many late nights talking to him about my feelings - the nasty, the good, the sad, the everything - and I have always left feeling comforted and uplifted.  I come from and belong to a truly amazing family, and I am so blessed and proud to be a part of it.

It's interesting seeing how other people act around me now.

Some people just treat me as if nothing has happened, some people treat me with kid gloves and it's like they are waiting for me to break down at any given moment.

And then there are the people that almost want to make a spectacle out of it.

I am more than willing to talk about my brother and the whole experience - in fact, I really like talking about him.  I'm proud of him.  I love him.

But don't ask me questions in front of a bunch of people that I don't know during a children's Christmas party.  Not appropriate.  FYI.

And it's OK for me to talk about him candidly.  It's almost like some people think that you should never talk about someone who has died and make a big awkward moment out of it when you bring up their name or the situation.

It was an event that happened in my life, and I'm going to talk about it.  I might use it as a point of reference, because that's how my life is divided now.  Before and after, just like any other event - just as if you talked about something you did before your first child was born, or after you got married. 

It's OK if I joke around about him, because that's how my family is, and I think it's healthy and it helps me feel better.  Some may see it as inappropriate to say "Trevor would want me to buy this TV", but for us it's a way of coping.  Because he would laugh hysterically at that.

I don't burst into tears every time I hear the name Trevor or see a missionary.  It's OK, I promise.

And now I leave you with these super cheesy pictures from the last family photos we took before Trevor & Scott left on their missions.

We're pretty great :)

Botox? Collagen?

 No, I am not getting Botox.

I like to believe I still have no wrinkles, and I pretty much don't care if I do.

But I digress.

Today we are discussing my poor Lauren.

She's always had very sensitive skin {allergic to sun screen!}, and will break out in random cases of hives every once in a while.

The hives appear out of nowhere, only itch sometimes, and usually diappear in less than an hour {actually, most of the time in under 15 minutes}.

If they itch and stick around for more than 10 minutes or so I will give her Benadryl and then we're done.

Nothing else really works {Cortisone cream - nope} and I don't really worry about it because they go away so fast and don't seem to bother her.

Well, she started with a breakout on Saturday - it went away quickly.

Then again Sunday - same thing, only lasted for a few minutes.

Then Monday and Tuesday she woke up with them on her face and hands, they itched a little, so I gave her Benadryl and they went away the rest of the day.

Then this happened Tuesday night after her bath - once again, they were gone in 10 minutes.

Wednesday she woke up with them again, they went away, then they came back right after dinner.

I gave her Benadryl around 6:30.

Then Bryan game down to my office with her at 7:30 and she looked like this:

But picture it about 3 times worse.

I attempted to stay calm for her sake, but I kind of FREAKED OUT!

We took her straight to the Instacare down the street.

As we were standing there explaining what had happened, I looked down at her face and it was getting red and blotchy, and the whites of her eyes were getting red.

It was all I could do to stay somewhat composed.

They rushed her right back to check her oxygen levels, and the first thing the nurse said was "I don't like how this is going" - and I immediately started to lose it.  Luckily she just meant that she couldn't get a good read using Lauren's pointer finger and had to switch to her thumb.  Not the best choice of words.

She was breathing just fine and her vitals were completely normal.

They gave her more Benadryl {I had only been giving her about a half dose}, and after a few minutes the swelling started to go down.



She seriously looks like Octomom - right??

No, she has not had Botox or Collagen injections :)

We have no idea what triggered it.

She didn't eat anything different than normal, I haven't changed detergent, shampoo, soap, brands of food, nothing.

And, please don't take offense, but please, PLEASE don't offer me any suggestions.  I think I've checked into just about anything and everything it could be.

But thank you anyway :)

I'm just watching her really closely and paying attention to everything she eats to see if I can narrow it down.

The doctor said that a lot of times they never find out what the trigger is and she will probably grow out of it.

Since it wasn't really a severe anaphylactic reaction where her throat closed off or she got severe diarrhea or something like that, we don't really need to be too concerned, and to just give her Claritin daily.

But, seriously, how can I not freak out when my kid comes to me looking like a face lift gone wrong??

I'm going to make an appointment with an allergist, just to be on the safe side.

I think this was the scariest "parent moment" we've had thus far.

I would like to not have it happen again.
And I have to tell you how proud I am of my sweet girl.
She stayed calm as a cucumber the entire time - much to the shock of the nurses & doctor at the Instacare.
She even looked at the doctor and listened intently {giving head nods and "OK"'s at all the appropriate times} while he talked about what to do from here on out.
She is pretty much the bravest 5 year old I know.
And the cutest.
Even when she looks like Octomom.

Amen, Sister. Amen.

My cousin-in-law posted this on her blog, and I just had to re-post here.
All I have to say is
YES!!!
THANK YOU, LADY!
I love my children more than anything, but I do not and will not cherish every moment.
Because some moments are, for lack of a better word, crappy.
I don't think I should have to cherish the 5th diarrhea diaper of Jane's I changed today {it's not even 3:00 for Pete's sake}, or the moment I came up the stairs to find Mya screaming about a piece of hair that was on her hand.
And you know what????
Most days bedtime IS the best part of the day.
And I shouldn't be made to feel like a bad mom because I feel that way.
Because 3 kids ages 5, 3, and 8 months is HARD.
Working full time {even though it is from home} with these 3 little delights is HARD.
But oh how I am happy for those moments that I do and will cherish - even though they may seem few and far between :)

Knee Deep

In poop.  I am knee deep in disgusting, diarrhea, baby poop.
Jane has an ear infection, and as a result of being on antibiotics, she is pooping like I have never known a child to poop before.
No joke - I'm pretty sure I changed at least 15 poopy diapers yesterday. 
NOT AN EXAGGERATION, PEOPLE!
And now she has the worst diaper rash I have ever seen.
Like - open, oozing sores all over her poor, red bum diaper rash.
I ran to the store to get everything I could think of:
Yogurt
Bananas
Max Strength Desitin
More yogurt
Oatmeal
After the store, I called my pediatrician to make sure I wasn't missing anything in the "what to give your kid when they can't stop pooping and now have diaper rash" category - which I wasn't {proud "I kind of think I know what I'm doing by kid #3" moment}.
But they did suggest I put children's Benadryl on a cotton swab and dab it on the bum.
What??  Um, OK.
Tried it - I will prefer to not make my baby scream like that again unless it gives amazing results {which it didn't} - thank you very much.
Does ANYBODY have any suggestions for me???
I know the most important thing is to keep it completely dry, but that is impossible with the explosive diarrhea.
I change her the second she poops, which is SO OFTEN!!
I still have 3 days - 3 MORE DAYS - of antibiotics.
I'm definitely keeping Huggies in business right now.

And on a funnier note, I was singing Mya her nightly lullaby and was doing what I normally do - get really close to her and stroke her hair.
She quietly said "Um, Mom?  I need some space."
Hilarious.

Jealousy

Pardon me for being a little Debbie Downer here for a moment.

So.....everyone's "year in review" blog posts are starting to pop up, and I can't help but have a little bit of jealousy.

But 2011 was great until November, and now it's like time has stopped.

And the rest of the world has just moved on.

I started a blog that only I can see where I jot down most of my thoughts and feelings about my brother and things that have happened since he passed.

But I still feel it appropriate to share things on here from time to time.

So if this annoys you or makes you sad, please stop reading right now.

I can't help but look back at the pictures of my year in review and wish for the days before Trevor died.

I'm different now.  My family is different now.

I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 55 days.

I go through pictures from before his mission and I cry.

I reminisce with my siblings and I laugh.

My love for my family has grown and deepened more than I ever thought possible.

My love for the Gospel, my faith, and my testimony have also grown.

 I snagged the memory card from Trevor's camera, and I study his face in every picture, bawl through every video.

The sound of his voice is so painful and so wonderful at the same time.

It brings me comfort to see pictures like this where he changed peoples' lives and helped them find happiness.

The is the last picture on his camera that he took with himself in it.

The missionary next to him on his left is the other one who died in the accident.

This was on Halloween.
*PS - I'm pretty sure he's wearing a different tie in every single picture I've seen of him on his mission.  We have at least 2 FULL boxes of them that were sent back.  I guess there was a place down there where you could buy them by the pound.  Ties by the pound - who knew??

We went to dinner with some friends a while ago, and I was saddened when one friend told me I was noticeably different.

Sometimes I think people are looking for it - watching to see my reaction to things and trying to find ways that I've changed.

Bryan says I'm actually the most like myself in social settings because there's so much distraction.

It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I've changed, but I know I have.

So please, friends, bear with me.

There will be no "year in review" from the Kinyon family for 2011.

Hopefully 2012 will bring a better year with more reasons to laugh than to cry.

And, sorry if this was so wah wahhhhhh, but you were warned!!

Jolly Holiday, Jolly Holiday

Here are a few hilights of our holiday festivities this year:

The girls had the cutest little preschool Christmas program!!  Here they are wearing their reindeer "crowns".  It was pretty much the most adorable program in the history of he world, if you want my honest opinion.

Poor Daddy - the man can't sit down without being smothered by our girls :)

Christmas is absolutely amazing when you have kids.  Amazing!!

Santa did a wonderful job of getting the girls what they wanted this year.  Lucky for Santa, my girls are easy to please, and didn't want anything crazy expensive this year.

Lalaloopsy everything and some princess figurines and they were ecstatic.
Santa also left a note about sharing.....I'm not sure my girls heard a single word, but A for effort, big guy!

The closest thing to a good old fashioned "here we are in our Christmas outfits sitting in front of the tree like perfect little angels" picture just before church.

How I got lucky enough to have such beautiful girls, I will never know. 

Bryan loves to wrap presents in a way that makes it impossible to NOT guess what's inside.  This is a Lalaloopsy lunchbox-type thing that we gave the girls to carry their mini dolls in.  It was obviously guessed instantly.

What they didn't get from Santa or Mom & Dad, they got from the rest of the family.  Lalaloopsy silly hair dolls {seeing theme here?}, Monster High dolls {thanks again, Shara, for finding 2 that aren't dressed as street walkers}, and Strawberry Shortcake dolls whose hair changes with cold.  They kind of live in my freezer now.  It's OK, it makes the freezer smell yummy.

I found this chair on KSL a few weeks ago and fell in love.  My Christmas present is getting it painted and reupholstered.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!

Mya has the best morning hair!

Jane learned to crawl during tithing settlement in the Bishop's office.

And then a week later, we found her in her crib standing up.

She is so unlike my other 2 kids - she is constantly wanting to move onto the next thing.

Last night she was holding onto a toy, then would grab my hand, stand up all the way, and then try and let go of me.

This kid is nuts!!

Love this picture :)

Shopping is hard work for babies.

And there is Christmas of 2011!