Thursday, February 23, 2012

Further Explanation

You know when you blog about something, you "publish post" and then you go back and read it the next day and realize you kind of sound like a jerk?
Let me just say that I am, I'm positive, very guilty of saying the wrong thing to someone who has lost somebody. 
I still find the whole subject of death very awkward, because it is SO personal.  Just because I feel a certain way about losing Trevor, doesn't mean somebody else in the same situation feels the exact same way.
And I don't expect everyone {or anyone} to say the right thing.....because is there really a "right" thing to say?
Every person that left me a FB message, came to see me, texted me, called me, sent me a card - all said wonderful, heartfelt words of love and concern that I appreciate and hold dear.
I just think that sometimes people think they can make you feel better or ease your pain - it's human nature, we want to fix the problem, bandaid the wound.  Well, that just won't happen.
And it's better to say something stupid than say nothing at all.  Seriously, that might sound odd, but it's true.
And the best thing, for me, is for my friends and loved ones to treat me how they would before it happened.  I'm tough.  Like, really tough :)
And if you have questions or want to talk to me about anything - please, just ask.  If I don't feel like talking about it, I will definitely let you know!
And if I want to talk about it, I hope the unlucky "you" out there will be willing to listen to me.
It's very weird to not be talking about him all the time, because he is still on my mind constantly.
I hope I didn't sound like a jerk in my previous post!
Love you all!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Having a "Trevor" Day

I'm having a Trevor day.  These are the days when I can't stop thinking about him.
I hear a new song and wonder if he would've liked it.
I see the picture of my family that has been on my desk for 3 months now and stop to take an extra long look.
I see a TV show and laugh because I know he would have, too.
I see something about Twilight on Pinterest and smile because I know how much fun he would've made of me for liking it.

I saw 2 missionaries at the girls' preschool yesterday, talking to the owner of the school who lives upstairs, their bikes locked to a tree out on the drive strip.
I pulled forward so that the girls could see them out their window, and asked them if they knew who those 2 men were.
Lauren replied that they were missionaries.
I then asked if they remembered who in our family were missionaries.
They both said Uncle Trevor and Uncle Scott.
And then we talked for a minute about how we love missionaries because they help people to learn about Jesus and how to be happy.

A few weeks ago, Lauren grabbed my phone to play a game {a very frequent thing} and stopped and said "awwww" with a frown on her face.
I asked what was wrong.
My screen saver is a picture of Trevor, and she said that I shouldn't have that picture because it will make me sad.
I explained that I like to see lots and lots of pictures of Trevor so that I can remember him and how much I love him.

I'm so unbelievably proud of my brother and the example he is to my kids.
I'm constantly amazed at the strength of my family.  I have always admired my dad, but I have come to look up to him so much more since this happened.  I have spent many late nights talking to him about my feelings - the nasty, the good, the sad, the everything - and I have always left feeling comforted and uplifted.  I come from and belong to a truly amazing family, and I am so blessed and proud to be a part of it.

It's interesting seeing how other people act around me now.
Some people just treat me as if nothing has happened, some people treat me with kid gloves and it's like they are waiting for me to break down at any given moment.
And then there are the people that almost want to make a spectacle out of it.
I am more than willing to talk about my brother and the whole experience - in fact, I really like talking about him.  I'm proud of him.  I love him.
But don't ask me questions in front of a bunch of people that I don't know during a children's Christmas party.  Not appropriate.  FYI.
And it's OK for me to talk about him candidly.  It's almost like some people think that you should never talk about someone who has died and make a big awkward moment out of it when you bring up their name or the situation.
It was an event that happened in my life, and I'm going to talk about it.  I might use it as a point of reference, because that's how my life is divided now.  Before and after, just like any other event - just as if you talked about something you did before your first child was born, or after you got married. 
It's OK if I joke around about him, because that's how my family is, and I think it's healthy and it helps me feel better.  Some may see it as inappropriate to say "Trevor would want me to buy this TV", but for us it's a way of coping.  Because he would laugh hysterically at that.
I don't burst into tears every time I hear the name Trevor or see a missionary.  It's OK, I promise.

And now I leave you with these super cheesy pictures from the last family photos we took before Trevor & Scott left on their missions.
We're pretty great :)